Sad...Heartbroken....etc.

Today I done one of the hardest things an infirtle woman can do...Attend a baby shower. One of my BFF's, Stacey's baby shower was today. It was absolutely beautiful. Zebra and Pink was the theme. I sat there while the games were played and everyone "awed" and "gooooood" over her belly. I was the only one there that didn't have a baby. They either don't want children, already have children, or are pregnant already. :( I felt like a total outcast. With it being a 'baby shower', that was the topic of everything. It was soooo hard to just sit there. I had nothing to say. Nothing to talk about because I have never been blessed with that miricle. The hardest part was watching her opening the gifts. She got SOOOOO many beautiful things for Chloe. Pink everywhere..Bow's everywhere...Zebra print EVERWHERE...baby stuff EVERYWHERE!!!! I just wanted to burst into tears. But I didn't. I held my tears and emotions in UNTIL I dropped Bethany off at her car. Then, I shattered into a MILLION pieces. It's ok though. Yea, I am heartbroken. There is no accurate way to describe how sad I feel. How do you mourn something you never really had? I feel broken and empty, and it feels like it will always be this way.

I pondered this entire past week wether or not I was gonna go or not to the baby shower.  I was emotionally sick over it.  I couldn't hardly eat, I couldn't sleep.  The whole time I was working, I was off in space thinking about it.  I wanted to go because she was one of my best friends and I am truly happy for her and becasue I knew I would regret it if I didn't...BUT...My jealous side said forget it and don't go.  I  didn't know what to do.  Honesly, I didn't make my mind up until today.  I just had to go.  I had to be a woman about it and put my feelings aside and enjoy this wonderful blessing with her.  Sooo, I went.   What helped me decided to go, was, that I have alreayd hurt one of my BFF's becasue I missed the birth of her baby.  She tells me is ok and all but I know she is still hurt at me about it because I would be her to if the tables were turned.   I was soo jealous of her and what God had given her I let that come inbetween it all.  I made excuses on why I couldn't come to the hospital and for two weeks after she was born done the same thing.  Eventhough I was soooo happy for her to finally have her baby she had also struggled to have, It was just killing me inside to join her happiness.  If I had it to do over again, I would have done alot different but I can't.  That's exactly why I went today because I knew I wold regret it later own if I hadn't have went. 

I feel bad for Joseph too. He has no clue what to do or say to make me feel better when I break down from this. Probably because there is no way to make me feel better. He keeps saying it will be ok. I will get pregnant one day. But it isn't that easy. If it were, I would have gotten pregnant back in August 2005 when we first started trying.

I keep trying to imagine our lives without children. And as much as I love Joseph with everything I have, the thought of the two of us puttering around our house alone with Maggie for the rest of our lives makes me want to curl up in bed and sleep for as long as possible. Not being able to say, "I'm pregnant" to our friends and family, not feeling my baby move inside me, not birthing a child, no picking out nursery furniture and decorating it, no setting down to decide on the most perfect name for our bundle of joy, no baby shower, to kids waking us up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to go open presents, no reading books before bedtime. Just the two of us watching TV and going to the movies every date night for the rest of our lives. I know eventually I could be happy and not feel like we are missing out, but right now I don't even want to try and imagine how it will feel. I just feel sooo empty inside and NO ONE knows quiet how I feel. :( I'm sure you are probably getting tired of these emotional post, but this is my blog. I have it just for these reasons. I can say what I want becasue I sure don't have anyone else that can relate to my infirtility. It's awful.